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Why Do Sharks Hate Our American Way of Life?
The "War on Terror" While America’s Homeland Insecurity focused most of its attention on strip-searching potential terrorists at airport terminals in 2010, the biggest threat of terrorism managed to...
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Forgive Me iPhone, for I Have Sinned
I must confess, the main reason that I never converted to Catholicism is the same reason my t-shirt business folded: bookkeeping. I hated keeping track of every single purchase, sale, sales tax,...
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Qaddafi’s To Do List
Dude, Where's my Regime? Qaddafi’s To Kill Do List Update profile on Muslim dating site Mawada, changing my love handle to “BBW Miriam Jasmine Seeks Revolutionary for Killlllllllller NSA Fun” Launch...
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Top Ten Charlie Sheen Tweets
Since I vowed to give Charlie Sheen up for Lent, I was disappointed in this week’s topic for David Letterman’s “Late Show” Online Top Ten Contest. I know that times have been tough for the embattled...
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Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Has March Madness
Much to the chagrin of corporate CEOs and mid-level management, March Madness is set to tip off, which means nothing substantive will be accomplished at the workplace the next two days. You know, kind...
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Top Ten Signs Donald Trump Is Serious About Running for President
It seems that if you want to grab and hold the media’s attention these days, all you have to do is drink tigers’ blood or booze with pickles, run around in public and babble incoherently about nothing...
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The American Scab Dream: Will Work for Congressional Crumbs
Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that our rapidly ailing Democracy is suffering from schizophrenia? My other 16 personalities tend to agree. Our Democracy, the best form of government money...
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I’m So Broke That… (cheaper, 2nd edition)
In dishonor of the sequel “Neverending Recession I”, the Invisible Hand’s middle finger, and the non-monetary success of the 1st edition (now translated in 3 currency exchange rates, including wampum),...
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Thank HAL For New & Improved Intelligence
Big HAL is Watching YOU! The other day, I Googled the following question on my smartphone, nicknamed Heuristically Programmed ALgorithmic Computer, or HAL for short: “How long until machines completely...
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Judge in Boston Marathon Bomber Trial Opens Jury Pool to Inanimate Objects &...
Several jurors were released once they admitted to the judge that they were disappointed that Dzokahar Tsarnaev did not look like the late George Harrison in real life Desperate to find any prospective...
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Lego Movie Crew Reacts to Oscar Snub
Feeling slighted by the Academy Awards snub of the box-office smash, “The Lego Movie”, which captured the imaginations of plastic enthusiasts across the globe as well as the anthropomorphic creatures...
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Powerball Fever (Winning Numbers Included)
Multiple annotated reads of George Orwell’s 1984 have taught me all of the mathematical concepts this struggling prole needs to know in order to survive our pre-apocalyptic world – preemptively dubbed...
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Top 10 Excuses VP Pence Considered for Not Wearing Mask to Mayo Clinic Before...
Like his Boss and Deadpool, VP Mikey Pence thinks he’s God’s gift to the world invincible. Unlike Deadpool, however, neither one of these mortals has enough sense to hide their hideous faces from those...
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COVID-19 Lesson No. 1: Ten Seasons of “The Walking Dead” Have Taught Us Nothing
FADE IN: Pandemic Ghost of COVID-Future : Boys, girls, and gender neutrals, I remember my first pandemic as if it were only yesterday… Gather ’round the Hologram fire, sit down on your social-distance...
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